TIME 倫敦小時光

LONDON

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Time Flies

“You're more than meets the eye, aren't you?”

I thought I was not that away from my blog recently, however, when I opened the last article I wrote for myself yesterday, I was like, oh, wow, it was the end of November last year, LITERALLY four months ago! Time r-e-a-l-l-y flies.

My life in London is finally settled (Bravo!), I wake up at 7.30am in the morning, dress myself up, and take the tube to go to work during weekdays. I have colleagues and friends who can hang out with on Saturday and Sunday. My best friends (all over the world) are always somewhere online for me. Everything seems nice and smooth. I’m living in my dream with all the goals achieving one by one where I could finally start allowing myself to imagine how powerful I could be if I step up my pace in the future. However, there’s always a voice whispering in my head, I should try harder, try harder to excel in my career, maintain a social life, stay calm and sane all the time, dance and exercise somewhere, drink enough water not coffee, reply all the emails and texts, and of course, be HAPPY. I’m somehow back to that lil girl I was before occasionally, I can feel that there’s a piece of loneliness in my deep heart, maybe London is just too lonely because the people here are always busy.

“I told myself, at least let someone in on what you’re going through, because if you don’t let off some steam, there’s likely to be an explosion...”

​I started to make sure I’ve paused for a while to appreciate all the small & big moments when they come to my life, including the people I used to fall for even though they left eventually. I guess what that said is true, none of us knows how much time we really have. This awareness gives me the courage to be brave and active when I interact with people I like, as well as not being afraid of understanding others’ struggles although they are hurting me in some other ways/reasons that are not even relevant to me. All the connections and relations with others would become a mirror for me to understand myself better. I’m glad I’ve realised how well-prepared I am as the kind of woman I idolised so much when I was younger.

“When you really adore someone, as fully as hopelessly as I think you and I do, you put up with anything.”

I am, and we are all worth being loved wholeheartedly, and sometimes, it’s okay to walk away to protect ourselves, because someday, we would find the one. Life is gonna put that special someone right in front of you, and when it happens, I know you’ll be ready.

There are only a few pleasures in life like this.

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小時光

在倫敦的日子終於安定下來，每天規律的早起上班、梳妝打扮，再一路沿著維多利亞式的白色建築走進地鐵。在這邊的支持系統也逐漸地開始運作，除了讓我能維持原本的獨立自處之外，也開始有了同事與好友們可以分享生活。

如此步入正軌的生活其實對我來說還是非常不可思議，好像踩的每一步都按照內心所想的目標往前邁進。我想告訴自己其實真得已經好努力了喔，好努力的走到今天，那是一種只有回頭看的時候才能理解的苦。 我可以清晰的感受到這樣的成就感，就和自己同時失去的東西一樣珍貴。從人生的選擇裡得到報償，再同時付出相對的代價。那些加諸在自己身上的期許偶爾侵蝕我的內心：從該努力向上的職涯，正常的社交生活，隨時保持冷靜溫柔、及時回復郵件或訊息，小至維持固定運動，多喝開水、保持愉悅心情等等。我發現自己在這裡的每一天，都時常還是能感受到有某一小塊寂寞躲在心裡，或許倫敦真的是個太過寂寞的城市，住在這裡的人總是太匆忙。

「我想我們永遠不會知道自己還剩多少時間，只能用那雙不安的眼神，直盯盯的想看入對方的靈魂。」

這樣的提醒讓我變成了一位能勇敢面對情感的人。

但人類對於情感的拉扯，使我們不斷地、雙向地，讓自己的心在對與錯之間掙扎。原本以為倫敦的孤單比想像中殘忍，人的心很容易毀滅。但也從中，或是從對方眼中看見另一個自己。原來我已經成為那個自己嚮往的女人，可以從容地去承受每段情感，儘管對方加諸在自己身上的傷害或許與我無關，還是能努力地、真誠地善待每個與我相遇的靈魂。​

You won’t always be the only one here, I promise.

我們剛剛好的善良就好，剛剛好就好。

每個幸福都有條件的。

我想要很努力地去愛這樣的自己。

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