NEW AGE 新篇章

MANCHESTER

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The Reason Why You Are Here

“I don't need easy, I need a city to slap me around a bit and test me.”

Okay okay yes, I still remember I have planned to write something here since last year after I decided to come to the UK. While exposing myself to all different kinds of cultures, backgrounds and religions in Manchester, my life has been filled with so many joys, excitements and craziness. I felt so fortunate that there are lots of challenges happened and are still happening in my young 20s, well, I do hope I could handle all of them. But let's go back to reality a bit, studying abroad is actually a long, painful path and likely to be littered with confusing and EMBARRASSING moments (a looot).

Sometimes I just keep forgetting the reason why I am here. Feeling stressed about learning new things, focusing on how to learn fast and grow up quickly, being afraid of failures, or even worrying about maybe I am not good enough kind of thoughts all the time. I can't tell you how frustrated it was when you needed to deal with tons of stuff to start a new life with different people who spoke English with as many kinds of accents as you can imagine (Aw, no you can't imagine). I suddenly shut myself down and started doubting myself, why am I here?

It was the deepest and darkest depression I've ever had. I was l-o-s-t, all the pressures plus no-sun-forever weather in Manchester (my first time suffering Winter Depression) and friends who were still sleeping on the other side of the world that I could hardly ring to (8hr difference between UK and Taiwan). All the culture shocks and language barriers soon became too much. I tried to tell myself You could definitely learn more when you are having a tough time than you would have if you keep staying in your comfort zone.

“I believe you are ready for this next step, but now you have to show me you are ready.”

The truth is, however, whenever I stand in front of this shinning door, again and again, picturing the day when I got my offer from the UoM. Oh can someone read this for me, please, are you sure this is happening? I thought I would never have a chance to be here. I suddenly find myself back. This is what I was dreaming about for ages, isn't it? Let me just go back for a second, am I loving what I am doing right now, or actually hating everything here? All the people I've met and those adventures and travels that I would reminisce with smiles no matter how many times. Um...I guess there have been too many things going on and I just can't even imagine if all these stories have never happened in my life.

Realising no matter how bad things are, I would always have the courage and strength to pick myself up. Being inspired day by day by someone's words even though it has been a while since the first time I heard. I think they will never get out of my head, “I expect you to have adventures, fall in love, get your heart broken, make mistakes and make amends, take a leap and make a splash. And I expect you to unleash holy hell on anybody who tries to hold you back.”

That's why you are here.

♡

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「2018年的一開始是我來英國生活的第五個月。」

面對語言與文化這些難以形容的衝突，有時候因為太想成為心目中的那個樣子，剛開始的我其實脆弱到無法理解並調整自己的焦慮和壓力。在曼徹斯特的每條陌生街道裡，會突然失去所有曾經能夠發洩情緒的辦法，一頓精緻不貴的美食，一本中文書，一場看得懂的電影，甚至是一位可以即時接聽對話的知己，於是一句簡單卻沒能及時聽懂的英文就能瞬間粉碎我的信心。「你怎麼可以聽不懂。」再多賞自己一道巴掌。

「我為什麼在這裡。」

因為還沒看到任何成果任何進展，於是拿那些犧牲的失去的去打擊自己，「你知道你是放棄了什麼才來到這裡的嗎。」「不要讓那些看好你的人失望哦。」「要努力往前，你不能回頭也不能後悔。」我甚至不知道自己為什麼會這樣想，但總是慣性地害怕失敗害怕賠不起的那種愧疚感卻久久不能撫平。我們好像死命抓著某條繩子，怕自己掉落也怕被人遺漏。我總在想是不是這樣的挑戰才能逼得我們繼續向前。

在國外生活最大的挑戰，其實是去思考自己能夠忍受和所愛之人之間的距離有多大。

會被冒犯，也會被禮遇；會偶爾吃一點虧，但也會得到許多幫助。我幸運地在這樣的城市裡與來自世界各地的同學們一起學習，有來自英國，美國，法國，德國，希臘，泰國，日本，印度，印尼，韓國和臺灣等等的朋友，我們說著同一種語言卻帶著不同的文化背景，我交了許多外國好友，這些都是以前無從想像起的經歷。

當每天都在適應時，得失被放大了，幸福也是，孤獨也是。

我們成為了這樣的女生，明明害怕離別害怕錯過，但還是選擇自己所選擇的，一個人勇敢地走。

I don't need easy. I need a city to slap me around a bit and test me.

碎玻璃太多的時候就想想心底的憧憬吧，所以你才會在這裡。

♡​